June 19, 2024

Cyborg 2 (1993) Angelina Jolie
If there’s one thing Ms Jolie would want to remove from her CV, it’s this. The actress even once told the New York Times that when she first saw herself in this atrocious movie, she became sick. Cyborg 2 may be a sequel in name, but that’s about the full extent of its relation to the original Albert Pyun movie, with Jean-Claude Van Damme.

This was Jolie’s debut as a beautiful, yet deadly 17-year-old rigged to explode at any moment. It may have been a terrible movie, but at least she got to appear with Jack Palace and Elias Koteas.

Hercules in New York (1969) Arnold Schwarzenegger
The amazing thing about this one is just how long it predates the movies that made Arnold famous. Hercules in New York was made some 13 years before Conan The Barbarian. If you listen to Arnold’s English in Conan, it’s hard to imagine it being much worse. You don’t have to if you go back and watch this mess of a movie.

Arnold clearly has no clue what he’s doing here- all meat and muscle with none of the charisma he displays in his 80s and 90s movies. His voice was so poor that the movie’s official version has a ridiculous overdub on his voice. If you reach far and wide enough in the dark corners of the World Wide Web, however, you can find the original audio. I dare you!

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994) Matthew McConaughey
It still doesn’t sit quite right that McConaughey is one of the most respected actors of the decade. That’s because the younger version appeared in a string of schlocky productions. This was right up there as the schlockiest of all. The 1994 film was shot for just $600,000 and nor released until three years later as it was so vile. By then, both McConaughey and co-star Renee Zellweger were both well-known to the movie-going public.

The star takes on the role of Vilmer Slaughter, a member of the family who produced the iconic villain Leatherface. If you’re a fan of McConaughey, you may be tempted to go and check this out. One word of advice: Don’t!

Bloodrayne (2005) Ben Kingsley
No-one who considers them self to be a serious actor should collaborate with Uwe Boll in any way, shape, or form. If you’re a one-time Academy Award winner, then you should steer well clear of him. An argument could even be made that the Oscars had become forever tarnished as soon as Kingsley decided to appear as Kagan, King of Vampires in Boll’s adoption of video game Bloodrayne.

So what if the then 61-year-old actor famous for playing Gandhi is playing a rapist vampire and appearing in action scenes with the then 23-year-old Kristanna Loken? There’s nothing wrong with that, at all.

Little Shop of Horrors and The Terror (1960, 1963) Jack Nicholson
Jack Nicholson couldn’t have gotten off to a more humble start to his career as accepting bit roles in Roger Corman movies. The B-movie director-producer gave the actor his first start in movies such as Little Shop of Horrors and The Terror.

The Terror ranks among the worst of Corman’s films, which is really saying something. Nicholson is cast as a French soldier and spends most of the movie making his way around sets from previous Corman productions like The Haunted Palace. It may just be the worst movie on this entire list.